The Door

Jaedyn Vela

I’ve been here countless times. Time. And. Time. Again. In my own mind going through the many doors, but there is only one I really keep my eye on. Of these many doors, each dark and light, vast and bleak, a smidge of a memory, the one that I always strive to open, is the door of hope. It’s the door of Love. The door that keeps me going. The door that helps me keep others going. It’s sure as hell, like the hell people are put through, the hell that they put themselves in. It sure as hell is not easy to always get to this door, or to even get it open yet all I must do is turn the handle and push it…

It’s happening again. I’m here again. My eye is on that door, but many doors are surrounding me. I hear voices coming from some telling me to pick them, pick the comfort of darkness. Another door, another memory, a friend saying they don’t want to live, another of me laughing at the good times, another remembering everything that brings me down. One door I see is of another person. I see them look at their door of Love and watch as they close their cold and trembling hand around the wrong doorknob…They step through, and then they’re gone. I knock and sometimes I can pull them out, but sometimes, it’s not so easy.

The definition of a door is a hinged, sliding, or revolving barrier at the entrance to a building, room, or vehicle, or in the framework of a cupboard. There’s another door I seldom remember, but it’s always there…I just can’t really see it- I can feel it. It’s all around me, above, below, beside. My past, present, and future. This door is Time. I take a step in the direction of hope. Of joy. Another door appears, but never the one I want. I close my eyes and keep moving forward. Sometimes I pick the wrong one and realize I chose wrong. I run out and close that door. In my mind, ‘’Keep going,’’ is all I hear. My mission. Time is getting closer as I feel its presence wash over me, creeping up my spine, numbing my brain so I can’t run. You can never outrun Time. It appears from thin air, BUT it’s before me now. At first I could never really see it with human eyes, but it’s like a veil has been lifted, and as I reach out I can see iridescent, almost clear like ripples as a handle constructs itself before my very eyes.

Before my breath even hits the air, Time sucks me in. I’m falling at different speeds as Time is slow, fast, and a normal pace. I want to scream, but my voice and movements are restrained by the movement of time. The scream slowly builds in the back of my throat and comes out nice and slow, deep. It’s almost funny ha! Funny… How can I even think of something funny right now? That’s Life. Unfortunately, Life is not a door. It is a place, a planet, a universe, where we all begin our own journeys as we’re knitted together. Time reels and my body distorts, my eyes blurry with tears from the force of wind, a vortex, like my thoughts…Just then, time freezes, standing still. My heart was beating as fast as a hummingbird’s wings. If only I could just fly away. Time spits me out as I land on the cold floor, weary and broken, now realizing why Time took me. We always ask why…Why did this have to happen? Why can’t anything be done? Why me?

Time helped me grasp that I am not on earth forever. I will not live here forever. Life is not to be wasted drowning in sorrow and self-pity, no, it is not to be wasted doing things that don’t serve a greater purpose or aren’t productive. Time gave me a valuable lesson and gift. Time helped me see Love, to hear its call. To search for it and choose it. Time gave me YOU. Whoever is reading or hearing, yes, you.

Time gave me the opportunity to get to know you or be in your life some way somehow, to experience your awesomeness, your jokes, and your worth. But Time only gave me this once I was willing to accept this truth. Still lying helplessly on the floor, which has now turned into a road fit to run, I glance up. Love is shining regally, like a bright light I can’t turn away from. The road beneath me leads directly to it. All I have to do is make my move, and I’m there, but as I try to lift myself to my feet I collapse. Voices pin me down, rip and tear at my clothes, and pull me back towards them.Love is slowly fading, but the light is still burned into my brain, etched there, and I want it. I can taste it on my tongue.

They say we have a natural flight or fight response, and though earlier all I wanted to do was fly away, all I want now is to fight! Slowly crawling my way back to Love, to hope, I can feel the pressure of lies hold me down, the voices know just how to get me, but I’m not giving up easily. Love radiates energy, and the next time I happen to rest my eyes on it, I feel something inside me give. I can make it to my feet now, and I’m running full speed ahead no longer weighed back by the lies that kept me chained. The shackles are free. I am free! Stopping abruptly, I’ve finally made it right before the door of Love. The pearly white rectangle shines as gold swirls all around it, shaping and contorting into a strange decor that’s oddly comforting. The knob changes location every time I look at it. Getting closer I realize- the knob is a heart…my heart.

Thoughts and emotions flood my head and my body. What am I doing here? Is this really happening? Is this what I want? I hesitate, yet again. Do I really want to give Love a chance? What if it hurts? I do not want to be disappointed. What if it does not work? My hands are tingling, and as I reach for my door of Love I can feel the energy, the power coursing through me. It prickles my skin like ice cold water pumping through my veins, the fear, but warmth also envelopes me like a safe blanket- Love. I can do this. I’m not stuck here. I hesitate. Hearing the voices, I shrink back, yanking my hand from my heart. Then suddenly, all I hear is one, but it is not in my mind… I can hear it echo as it reverberates throughout my body, my soul. ‘’The truth…’’ The truth! That is the secret.

Those voices feed lies, feed darkness. The truth is what sets us free. The truth is-

I rip the door open, and the first thing I see is a bright sun casting its everlasting shine over an endless array of rolling, grassy hills. Everything is shrouded in a sparkling aura. A sense of comfort, of hope, of peace makes its way throughout my whole being. Yes, it is Love. I smell a sweet aroma that I cannot place my finger on. It smells like the comfort of brownies, or the earthy scent of rain. It smells like home.
The ground shifts beneath me and looking down at my bare feet in the grass, the grass that tickles my toes, the earth changes with every minute. From one moment I see it as a grassy field and the next, a sandy beach. It goes where I go, it has many beautiful things. In the air music plays soft and slow, and chimes are heard. Listening closer, my ears pick up words. ‘’Truth…The truth will set you free!’’ I can see it written in the clouds. It is on the shirt I am wearing. It is carved into that beautiful birch tree over by the bubbling brook. ‘’Where am I?’’ Liquid falls from my face, bouncing on my cheek and onto my wrist, but it is not my tears. It is raining. The sun is high in the sky, and a rainbow is painted like a portrait just for me.

There is a presence behind me, and if I squint, I could see something, no, someone, coming towards me in the distance. They seemed to appear from nothing, and once so far, they are now right in front of me. Familiarity radiates off them, but I can’t place their face. It seems to constantly change, sometimes unseen from the shining light. The most melodic sound emanates from them. ‘’Spread the truth.’’ As they talk it’s like I can hear it in my head. I can hear it everywhere. It pours out, smooth as butter, and sweet as honey. I try to speak, but no words come from me. I am in sheer awe. A butterfly lands on my nose and then flies away.

Wishing I could take the time and really admire its beautiful wings, suddenly time slows, and I have the chance to take in every single detail. Then time resumes as normal. I turned back to the comforting figure who spoke such beautiful words, but they weren’t there anymore. I missed their presence.

My feet start to sink in sand, quicksand. Walls are closing around me! Taking in quick breaths of panic, I reach out towards the sand, and…it feels…good. It feels comforting. What I thought was quicksand was a giant hourglass. With a new attitude, I draw a doodle in the sand, a butterfly, even more vibrant and ornate than the one I stumbled upon earlier. The doodle then came to life before my very eyes and flew away. Writing my name in the sand, at first nothing happened, then the sand started to move and grow taller until it was my height. It mirrored me, it was a mirror. But in this mirror, I saw myself from it, not simply seeing myself in it. I didn’t just see my outward appearance but my full identity. Who I was created to be.

The mirror familiarly formed its lips into a series of words, but it was soundless. I called out to it, ‘’What are you trying to say?’’ The figure reached forward gently, and lovingly touched my heart. With this motion, waves washed over me, and I could hear clearly now, ‘’Speak the truth. Spread the truth,” as this mirror’s kind and bright shining eyes locked mine. Before I could even comprehend what exactly that meant or what the truth really was, everything disappeared. I am now left in darkness. I am in reality, Life. Yes, it can be dark and shattered, but those cracks are there for a reason- so the light can shine through.

The veil has been lifted, and I can see differently. Doors appear again, but I have new eyes to see them with. I am a new person-transformed, personified. One door I have never seen before comes into focus, and I know it’s the right one. This one is a revolving door, new and chipped paint alike, with colors constantly changing. I walk inside and around I go, recalling my time in Love. Love is no longer a door for me because I live in Love and Love in me.

I constantly walk its narrow road searching for others who have not yet found it.

Around and around I go in this revolving door thinking about the one thing thatreally stuck with me, ‘’The truth. Spread the truth!’’ The truth sets you free! What is the truth? The truth is you have value. You are created with and for a purpose. There is so much to love! LOVE! Around and around I go in this revolving door. The truth is, and most of all that we are all in need of love and hope, and that there is always good news to tell! Love is knocking, will you open? Seek and surely you will find. Are you seeking with all your heart? It is hard, I will say, when you are faced with many doors, but Love is the one I encourage you to open every time. Around and around this revolving door until I know I’ve reached my destination. Here. For right now. That’s where that door has led me. To you.

Revelation 3:20-22